I think it's a hoot that recently I was flippantly accused of belonging to a cult, a cult of personality. Which is a bit ironic because I was involved in organised religion, the biggest cult of all, for 20 years. But for a couple of years, I was associated with an actual cult (one that most would recognise as such, as opposed to the more subtle [but more dangerous?] cultness of all religions).
There are many cults, and as many types of cults. By and large, reasonably intelligent, self-aware people know what a cult is and can recognise the characteristics of one long before they get caught up in it. Which is why cults mostly prey on the vulnerable and those desperately seeking something "the world" cannot provide.
I do, however, have a lot of respect for the people I met in the group. They would deny being a cult. They were simply seeking enlightenment, and in my honest opinion, doing a damn fine job of finding it. I would say that, in the end, my decision to not be part of the group came down to one relatively simple concept.
They lived communally in two houses, about 20 people. They taught and practised personal development. They were vegetarian. They taught and practised self-awareness. They were "spiritual". They taught and practised authenticity. Though the "leaders" were intense, stand-offish people (the supreme leader wouldn't even meet the students until they were worthy), the other members were charming, intelligent, articulate, beautiful people.
It's been 15 years, and I often wonder where some of them are now. There were two levels happening for me. At one level there was the proverbial "searching" for something. Meaning. Enlightenment. Acceptance. At another level I was looking for me. I'd surmounted a couple of personal milestones. I'd begun to put my past into perspective, and I'd realised that for me organised religion and "God" was hypocritical and pointless. I was looking for what was next for me. What else was there? Or was this it?
In the time span since I'm sure I have manipulated thoughts to suit myself and my beliefs, but I genuinely believe I learned much in my time with the group.
And don't get me wrong, I was never part of the inner circle, or even close. I was fascinated by their lifestyle and their openness. But there was also a lot of mystery. It may be highly prejudicial to say I was dating one of the members, but I was. But had I not been I would still have been keenly interested in their universe. Whether I was "flirty fished" or not still remains a question in my mind. I would say no, but, I will probably never know. I don't need to. I honestly believe I can compartmentalise all of that and enjoy the things I genuinely learned in the classes.
Clarity. It may be causative or coincidental that this song was hot at the time.
It was, and still is, one of a number of songs I can listen to over and over. And over. I used to drive to the classes with it blaring and on repeat.
Some people seek Damascus Road events. I'd had a couple already, and wondered if there were any more.
Clarity is by definition being able to see clearly. But by a more ethereal definition it refers not to the world we see around us (okay, maybe a little) but rather to the Universe around us that most rarely or never see, which has nothing to do with anything touchable.
I think it's just one of those things you either see or do not. This world and the entire known physical universe is just a drop in the ocean of what really is. A common refrain in organised religion is that human minds are too small to understand "God". I never believed that. In the back of my mind was always the thought that it seemed to be the mission of organised religion to close human minds so that they could not see beyond "God".
Clarity is an ability to see. Clarity is an opening of the mind to possibilities and probabilities beyond the ends of our noses. Clarity is knowing that "this" is not all there is. Clarity in understanding the limitless nature and influence of the Universe. Clarity is knowing that "life" is not limited to one blip on a watery radar in the darkest corner of the Milky Way. Clarity is knowing that the "greatest minds" telling us what reality is may be just as small as those telling us what reality is not.
Of course, arguing that the "greatest minds" are wrong won't win you any favours, and might see you consigned to the whacko fringe and easily dismissed (by small minds). Hence, another thing I learned in the cult is of value.
Authenticity. We all like to believe we are living authentically, but we're probably not. As a compromise, it may be acceptable to believe in authenticity while not actually living it. As hypocritical as that sounds, is it enough to just know that one is a hypocrite?
For many - okay, for me - by the time you have the realisation that authenticity is a desirable goal, life has you entrenched to the point that authenticity becomes nothing but a series of conflicts of interest, because "we have learned how to exploit life, but not how to gently, tenderly love life" (Vimala Thakar). Once you get a taste for exploiting life, it's near impossible to break free from its grip without making significant sacrifices. And sacrifices may be honourable, but when your sacrifices hurt and destroy others, does authenticity become evil?
Perhaps it is enough to pursue authenticity within the framework of the choices you have already freely made. Which is a nice way of saying you made your bed, now you have to lay in it. Perhaps that's the greatest authenticity of all.
I believe that at this moment in time and space, authenticity is beyond my reach. Authenticity is a small light in the distance, one towards which I am heading. But there are other things to do on the way.
Continuity. I don't believe in heaven or Hell. But nor do I believe this is it. Life in the cult enhanced my understanding of just how small our reality is. And back to the "greatest minds" thing. Is it arrogant to suggest that even the "greatest minds" on this rock have it wrong? So much of what they're saying seems like grand speculation to me. Can't I speculate a little?
Freedom. "Freedom is not a speculative, romantic game of imagining something which is not. It is simply comprehension of what is" (VT). There's a difference between believing something and living it. It's just the nature of this world that often the two do not marry. We may have an ideal about relationships, but how often does that ideal eventuate? Rarely? Never? It doesn't mean the ideal is meaningless, or impossible.
We are free. Sometimes we think "freedom" means the freedom to do something, or to not do something. But I don't think it's that simple. Freedoms intersect. I am indeed free to jump from a high roof-top. But there are consequences. So, too, am I free to drive through a red light, but there are (potentially) consequences to that, too. I am free to punch you in the face. But you are free to punch me back, or have me locked up because the law of the land backs up some freedoms and curtails others.
Which is why I could never understand the "Free Tibet" posturing. The Tibetans are already free. We are all free. Sometimes, we just don't like the consequences of our freedom.
One of the most important things I learned in the cult was that everything - and I mean everything - is driven by an intense, underlying, powerful energy. Good and bad. Physics teaches us about "energy", but (of course) only in a "physical" sense. There's a whole universe that science won't, and can't, touch. It's often said that science can explain the "how" - most of the time - but can't explain the "why". But the "why" is so much more important to us.
I decided not to go deeper into the bowels of the cult. Ironically, the chief reason was summed up in a book that the girl I was dating gave me (Vimala Thakar's book). It's a principle I try to follow still, and one she - and a lot of other people - could not and can not see.
"If I want to discover the truth of life, the meaning of life, I will have to begin learning and discovering for myself without the authority of another person. If I accept the authority of a person, dogma, or ideology, I lose freedom at the very first step of the inner voyage."
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